Friday, March 1, 2019

Constructive feedback

When you are a mourner, especially at the beginning of the year of mourning, you get a lot of attention. One reason is that your loss is fresh. People are still finding out that your parent died and offering condolences. Not everyone knows why you're saying kaddish, so they ask, and you tell them, and then they offer condolences. "Sorry for your loss" is the most common response.

Then, all of a sudden, you are saying kaddish and, if you're a male in an Orthodox setting, and so inclined, leading prayers. As a shaliach tzibur (prayer leader), you're up there at the bima (prayer stand) and so everyone else is looking at you (actually not everyone, since some people are looking at their phones or just spacing out).

Since shiva ended and I began praying at shul (synagogue) on a regular basis, I've gotten some "constructive feedback" on my "performance" as prayer leader. Some people have shaken my hand afterwards and said "yishar koach," which loosely translates as "nice job." I've also gotten the usual response of either going to fast or too slow. The speed issue is especially tricky during the morning service when people, myself included, have to leave shul to get to work on time. I tend to think of myself as going slower than most prayer leaders, so I make a conscious effort to go a little faster than I would otherwise (except on Sunday mornings when the atmosphere is more leisurely). But I was recently told I was going to fast and leaving the congregants in a race to catch up to me. This was not a new critique of my davening. The same comment was made at the same synagogue when I was saying kaddish for my mother. (http://mykaddishyear.blogspot.com/2012/04/watch-my-speed.html). Of course, I'd also come under criticism for going to slow. (http://mykaddishyear.blogspot.com/2012/05/praying-with-intensity.html)

Another piece of feedback I've received is that my head tephilin were not on straight. Tephilin are the leather boxes containing verses from the Torah that you put on during the morning service (except on Sabbaths and holidays). You put one on your arm and the other on your head. The head one is supposed to look like this:



Apparently mine were slanted a little to one side. No one ever told me this before, either because I was putting them on properly or because no one ever bothered to mention it. But now it's being mentioned because I'm an object of attention. So I'm spending a little extra time trying to make sure they are on straight. Some people use a mirror to check to see how their tephilin appears on their head. That seems a little excessive to me. I haven't gone that far--yet.

Next, someone commented on my bowing. There are various points during the prayer service that you are supposed to bow. During the prayer (amidah), both individually and, when reciting the repetition, one bows when one says "baruch ata ha'shem" during the first blessing as well as the last line of the penultimate blessing.


In addition, one bows when one says "modim."



There is an addition bow when one recites Barchu, the call to prayer at the beginning of the blessings leading into the Shma Israel.


Apparently I wasn't bowing correctly. When you are praying privately, no one is really concerned  with when and how you are bowing. But when you are leading services, people see you and, at least some, are willing to make comments. I was told I wasn't straightening up fast enough before I said the name of God. You are supposed to be bend your knew when you say "baruch," which is related to the word "berech," which means knee. Then you are supposed to bow when you say "ata" (you). Then you are supposed to straighten up when you get to God's name, but not actually say God's name until you are fully upright.

When I went over these matters with a knowledgable friend, he explained that this bowing is different than the bowing at "modim" and "barchu." These bowings don't involve bending the knees, since you are not saying "baruch." Rather, one just bends from one's waist. Then you straighten up before you reach the name of God, which is the sixth word in the modim and the third word in the barchu.

Since these conversations, I've become more aware of my bowing technique. No one has commented or corrected me on it. I hope I can get this matter under my belt, so to speak, so I can get back to focusing on what really matters for me--dealing with my father's death and it's impact on me and my family.






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