Saturday, February 16, 2019

Hair

When my father died, I already needed a haircut. I usually get a haircut about every 5-6 weeks, and it had been around that long since my last one. As he became more ill, I should have remembered that you are not supposed to get a haircut for at least 30 days after your parent dies. But I had other things on my mind. Nor was I expecting him to die when he did.

Then, after the shiva ended, and I took a walk around the block to signify my reentry into society, I did two things: I took off the ripped shirt I had worn every day of the shiva and I shaved. You are not supposed to shave during the shiva. (You can shave during aninut, the period between death and the funeral, and I did shave the morning of the funeral.) Not shaving is part of a series of prohibitions during the shiva that resemble those on Yom Kippur: no bathing, no shaving, no wearing of leather shoes, and no sex. (Of course you can eat, and I ate very well as friends brought over lots of food).

I shaved because I don't look very good with a beard and I hated the feeling of my stubbled face. I had a beard many years ago, and it never looked that great on me. I've been clean shaven ever since. I also was planning on returning to work the next day and couldn't see myself facing my colleagues and students with week old facial hair. I was even hoping the rabbi would give me permission to shave just before shabbat during shiva, to look good in honor of the Sabbath, but he said no. On this matter, I felt that since I had asked for rabbinic guidance, and he had given me the straightforward halakhic stance on the matter, I needed to heed his counsel. So I had to wait until after the shiva was over.

Of course, there are some that say that you are not allowed to shave until after the shloshim ends (30 days after burial). Norman Lamm, in his popular book on Jewish mourning practices, The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning, states that "shaving is permissible only after thirty days, and for parents only until the mourner experience the social reproach after the shloshim" (p. 125, emphasis in original.) However, he backtracks on this and seems to endorse a more lenient approach owing to our age where most people are clean shaven: "those who shave daily and who need a smart appearance for parnassah (to earn a living), their business or profession, may shave after shivah." (Ibid.)

I was also about to go out and get a haircut on the day after shiva ended. But then I remembered that maybe I shouldn't. So I checked both Lamm and my Rabbi. Both were adamant: no haircuts during shloshim. Lamm explains this as "another indication of the withdrawal of the mourner from society. It is part of the general mourning pattern of forsaking personal appearance and grooming at a time of great personal loss (Lamm, p. 124).

And so my hair grew and grew. My grey, nearly all white now, stringy hair. Then, even after the shloshim ended, I was supposed to wait to get my hair cut until I was socially reproved. Social reproof is the concept that you are not allowed to groom until it appears objectively objectionable to others. A friend of mine who was a rabbi at the time and wanted to shave after his shloshim asked one of his congregants what he thought of his beard. The congregant said it looked pretty good on him. That was not the answer he was looking for so he asked another congregant who said it looked like he could use a shave. That was his cue to get himself to a barber.

I was not going to wait for social reproof because I was already getting sick and tired of this long hair. My hippie days are long past. But I had an even better excuse to get a haircut. My brother is getting married this weekend. I need to look good for his wedding. I don't want to appear as if I am still in mourning at his joyous occasion. I don't want the photographs from the wedding to show me clearly in need of a haircut. And so I got one a couple of days ago. I look and feel a lot better.

In shul this shabbat, I told my rabbi, the same one who admonished me not to cut my hair during the shloshim, that I had gotten a haircut. I said I felt I should get one before my brother's wedding. He responded: "good call."


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