Tuesday, February 12, 2019

"How are you feeling?"

A lot of people who know me have been asking me lately, "how are you feeling?" It's nice, because it shows people care about me and recognize that, in a way, I am not the same person I was before my father died, before the trauma of experiencing the death of the person who brought me to life and who was with me for 63 years.

The problem is that I don't have a good answer. I am not really sure how I'm feeling. I don't feel happy, though I am still able to laugh and enjoy companionship. Nor, however, do I feel devastated, depressed or immensely sorrowful. I am not crying much, just a tearful kaddish every now and then. Memories of my father float through my mind at random times during the day. Sometimes they are pleasant ones, of meaningful time spent together, sometimes difficult ones of times we weren't that close or from the painful final weeks.

Much of my energies are focused on renewing my work routine and hobbies, to the extent my shul (synagogue) obligations allow. In one way, I have more time now since I'm not spending time with him any more. On the other hand, there is much to do. His apartment and its contents needs to be disposed. Estate matters need to be dealt with. And so I am busy with my life.

So how am I feeling? It's an impossible question to answer at this point. Okay. Not okay. Well. Not well. A tangle of emotions and sensations. Maybe, in the coming weeks and months, I'll be better able to answer this question.

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